Former St. Louis Sheriff Alfred Montgomery appeared in court Monday in a uniform personally designed by himself.
Observers noted that despite the extensive redesign, one accessory remained unchanged:
The handcuffs.
“They really tie the whole ensemble together,” said one courthouse spectator. “Without them, people might mistake him for a visiting head of state, from Venezuela or something.”
“Oh, wait… ” the spectator trailed off.
Montgomery made a dramatic entrance into the courtroom flanked by deputies while wearing what fashion analysts are calling a “Courtroom Dictator Chic” aesthetic. The outfit included seven medals of unknown origin, three ornamental stars, and a decorative breast badge believed to have been awarded for “Outstanding Victory in Looking Important.”
Sources say the uniform was developed after Montgomery allegedly complained that standard courtroom attire failed to reflect the dignity of his former office.
“Sure, the charges are serious,” explained an unnamed consultant hired by Montgomery’s defense attorney, “but we felt it was important that everyone remain focused on the gold embroidery.”
At publishing time the redesign has already drawn interest from several tiny North St. Louis County municipalities, with at least one mayor reportedly asking whether similar uniforms could be purchased for their police chiefs using unspent federal Covid grants.
