Ever since it was installed last November, St. Louisans innocently believed the 30-foot-tall, 17.5 ton Rawlings Gold Glove atop the company’s headquarters at Westport was merely a tribute to the award given annually to MLB’s best defensive players.
However, according to an exclusive leaked report obtained by St. Louis Breaking News & World Report, from Day One the massive glove has actually been serving as a classified missile detection and tracking system for President Trump’s new “Golden Dome” defense shield.
The report, stamped “TOP SECRET/MAJOR LEAGUE EYES ONLY,” alleges that the glove’s distinctive shape allows it to detect incoming threats from thousands of miles away.
“It’s right there in the name,” said retired Air Force Lt. Col. Barry “Curveball” Henderson, a national security consultant to St Louis Breaking News. “You thought it was a Golden Glove. It’s actually a Golden Dome component. Frankly, I’m surprised nobody figured it out before the report.”
According to the documents, the glove’s enormous webbing functions as a sophisticated radar array capable of tracking hostile ballistic missiles, enemy aircraft, and, under ideal atmospheric conditions, Cubs fans attempting to enter Missouri.
Also unknown to casual observers is that the giant glove rotates 360 degrees every seven days and can rise up 50-feet in the air on a golden mast. “The Glove sees everything,” the report states ominously. “Everything.”
Residents living near the structure say they had long suspected something unusual was taking place.
“I always wondered why the glove was pointed toward the sky instead of at a baseball,” said Maryland Heights resident Karen Wagner. “Now it makes sense. It’s looking for homeland threats, not home runs.”
Defense contractors reportedly considered installing similar systems in other cities but concluded that giant rooftop sporting equipment was in short supply nationwide.
Rawlings officials denied the report’s allegations, insisting the structure remains exactly what it appears to be. “It’s just a ginormous golden baseball glove, full stop,” said a company spokesman. “The only national defense capability it possibly offers is against Chinese spy balloons, and that’s only if they fly low enough.”
Federal authorities immediately classified that statement.
At press time, Pentagon engineers were reportedly evaluating whether the giant Amoco sign near Forest Park could be converted into a submarine detection system and whether the World’s Largest Catsup Bottle in Collinsville might have strategic anti-drone capabilities.
